As I reflect on last
week’s emotional tirade on my part, Your word in Luke 1: 5-39 pricked my spirit
this morning. My injustice towards You and the grief I have caused You in my
flamboyant and underhanded pity parties all week long was revealed in these
scriptures. Truly a moment to reflect and repent.
I have flitted back and
forth between Zechariah’s doubtful, “How can this be?” to Mary’s faith-filled,
“How can this be?” in between last Sunday’s spirit-filled and encouraging
service to what I know will be yet another one today. Unfortunately, even
after a great church service, I spent most of my week behaving like Zechariah.
I have ignored the seed
within me, my promise that not only will you never leave me nor forsake me, but
that you do have a plan for me, that exceeds even what I can ask for or
imagine. I have ignored it because there’s no sign of life… nothing’s leaped in
my womb to let me know it’s really there. Nothing has broken ground
to let me know it’s still there… just a word I’ve been given, “Rest…
I will provide.”
In my underhanded way, I
have made my dilemma known to whoever would inquire of my current situation
purposefully leaving God out or expressing my disdain for waiting for His
answer. I want people to know I haven’t been feeling ok with where I am- this
stinks- and I realized that I’m blaming God for it. I mean really, who can
truly deep down in their being praise God in something they don’t understand,
feel like they are being ignored in, are confused about a future they aren’t
getting answers to and are still waiting on answers from past problems?
Mary, the teenaged
mother of Jesus, that’s who.
As I was writing this
out in my journal this morning, the Holy Spirit showed me exactly how I’ve been
acting lately; just like some of my former prekindergarten students during
their first naptime! “You don’t have to go to sleep,” I would say,
“You just have to lie down and rest until nap time is over.”
I’ve acted like
the ones who have been too anxious to sleep. For some, their anxiety
was caused by wondering what’s going to happen next and they’re too excited to
rest so they flitted and rolled and talked to themselves. For others,
their anxiety was due to the fact that they were in an unfamiliar place in a
darker setting. Still, there were others who just had a hard time
because they have never been made to take a nap…ever…
So, repeatedly from
their mat, they may ask, “Is it time to get up?” With no concept of
time, my answer of, “No sweetie, not until 2:00”, would only keep them quiet
for a split second before they would ask, “Is it 2:00
yet?” Frustration would set in and tears may even flow, maybe even
an outburst as they waited for the end of rest time while their other
classmates snored softly beside them.
Me, I’m that
kid. All week long, “Is my rest time over yet
God?” “What’s going to happen next?”
Then the Holy Spirit
reminded me about what one of my oldest child’s PK teacher said to me about her
during her naptime. She explained that my daughter Antonia would
never go to sleep during nap time. She would, every day during this
set rest, from day one, lay on her mat and just stare at the teacher; no
tantrums, no repeated requests, just waiting and watching her teacher.
Now I’ve haven’t been
quite that spiritual. I started this time of rest God’s given
me by waiting and watching Him, but I over the days, weeks, and now months, I
have begun to anticipate His moves. If I think, He’s heading towards
the light switch I’m popping up and folding up my mat… only to kiss my teeth
when He walks over to another Child of God to rub them on the back or get some
more construction paper to prepare for my “next”. This week, I’ve
been mad because He’s “tricked” me so many times into thinking it’s time to get
up. Just being honest ya’ll.
So here it is folks.
I’ve been out of work… out of the teaching since September, yet God has
sustained my family. I mean like REALLY sustained
us. Who, but our God can move a two-teacher financed household into
a new home and then carry them through unexpected health issues, losing one
income and then two surgeries? No one, but our mighty
God! We are happily waiting to celebrate Christmas in our new
home with our immediate family… something we were never able to do before we
moved back into this area.
Oh, back to the
scripture… when Mary went to see Elizabeth, the unborn baby leaped in
Elizabeth’s womb at the sound of Mary’s voice. But Mary who only had
a seed in
So, until my promise
expands, until it is visual, even as I walk around with God’s promise to rest
over me and His promise within me,
whenever I come in contact with another like
Elizabeth, with another even like Zechariah who could not comprehend how the
impossible would occur in what is obviously dormant,
I will sing praises for
the wonderful things God has done; for me in my future and for the wonderful,
mighty things He will do for those who call on His saving name – “Jesus”!
Two o’clock is coming! God's getting everything ready. I will just lay here until He says, “Pick up your mat and rise."
The Lord is with you and
you are loved,
Toni
