Soooo, it's literally been like a year since I've written a blog.
I passed it off on a few things-
writer's block
just too tired
just plain forgot about it
too busy
None of which is entirely true... well, some of it did happen, but the truth of the matter is
I was ashamed of my reaction to this past school year.
This literally has been the most emotionally and physically draining school year in my twenty plus years of teaching. Aside from the fact that my body has decided to continue it's "Hey, let me show you what you need to fix now" tirade, I was blessed (and I NOW say blessed) with THE most challenging class.
their behavior...nah, but-
their academic ability .... whew!
their family life.... clutch the pearls!
their mental/medical issues... grab a tissue!
Nothing God couldn't handle right? But I know I never really allowed Him to handle it, or trusted Him to handle it, or waited on Him to handle it... HIS way.
I mean I saw this past school year through the eyes of King Saul shaking his head at Goliath rather than the eyes of the young, faith-filled shepherd named David. Just like Saul, I set up camp and stared at my giant the entire school year. My prayers didn't seem to make a difference. You know, the good prayers, the ones you start off with... persistent, strong, scripture-filled
So I just stared
and began to wonder
"Am I still cut out for this?"
I very well couldn't write an encouraging message for you when I wanted to quit teaching all together now could I? I wasn't even encouraging my own self and I didn't like what I saw in my spiritual mirror. So, I ended the school year with the Indeed app on my phone searching for ANY job I might be qualified for...
and one day, earlier this summer, I found myself sitting in church
discouraged
because I realized this past school year wasn't about God changing the situation for those kids, but about God changing me.
"Either way you cut it God, I failed" and I slumped further down in my spirit and my chair. I ignored the smiles and praises around me and dug deeper into my pity party.
I couldn't even make a difference.
I didn't even pray hard enough to make a difference.
I made You look powerless God... ok, I made myself look powerless.
I am a spiritual phoney.
I can't deal anymore with the "worst of the worst" and the "lowest of the low", the rejects, the drug using parents, the mentally ill parents, the kids who the system won't help, the filthy kids, the neglectful parents, the ...everything that nobody wants. For the past three years, it's been challenge after challenge - the student nobody wanted, the parent nobody wanted, the academic group nobody wanted...
I went from being the youthful Saul when he was first chosen as king and passionately challenged all of Israel to fight with him against the Ammonites (1 Samuel 11) to King Saul in the Valley of Elah shaking his head and muttering at (from a distance) Goliath and the Philistine army (1 Samuel 17).
It took me a few days, but God brought me to a place of repentance. So I had to ask forgiveness for
being mad at Him for not making it all better when I asked
for giving up because I thought, "what's the use anyway?"
for being judgemental at parents
for looking down on others
for not taking Him at His word
for always complaining and being negative
for my year long pity party...
and for a host of other things too.
But I also want to ask YOU for forgiveness too if I gave you the impression that persistent prayer, and an upbeat personality was going to make your school year peachy and that you would be less of a faith filled Christian if it all didn't work out as planned.
I honestly was under the impression that since He had given me the assignment to teach, that prayer and faith would always make it all better. It had before... I really need to read my bible more... and more deeply at that! Check this out...
The Apostle Paul says this in 2 Corinthians 4: 1, 7-10 AMP
1 Therefore, since we have this ministry, just as we received mercy [from God, granting us salvation, opportunities, and blessings], we do not get discouraged nor lose our motivation (I should've been reading this more) ...7 But we have this precious treasure [the good news about salvation] in [unworthy] earthen vessels [of human frailty] (oh, so it's natural to come up short...), so that the grandeur and surpassing greatness of the power will be [shown to be] from God [His sufficiency] and not from ourselves. (and it's not about me - ok...) 8 We are pressured in every way [hedged in], but not crushed; perplexed [unsure of finding a way out], but not driven to despair; 9 hunted down and persecuted, but not deserted [to stand alone]; struck down, but never destroyed; (soooo, even in difficult times - and there WILL be difficult times, God will never leave me nor forsake me) 10 always carrying around in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the [resurrection] life of Jesus also may be shown in our body (Even the worst times of my life are going to be used as an example of His greatness).
Paul's life as a man on assignment from God wasn't always perfect, good, or even down right bearable at times. Yet, he understood that God would get the glory from it ALL and would grow him through it and that he WOULD survive to continue working until God meant for him to stop.
Sooooooooo, I said all of that to say this...
So listen up!
We are amazing educators because God has chosen us for such a time as this!
Let's return to teaching
with the Lord on our side no matter what type of school year it may lead us into.
Who's with me!!!!
The Lord is with you and you are loved,
Toni
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